by Rachel Ward
I made the decision to.
I made the decision enough was enough,
Enough of playing the victim and life happening around me, or too me,
Enough of playing small
Enough of the people pleasing,
Enough of not putting myself first,
Enough of living in the past and feeling those wounds scratching me raw every single day,
Enough of being a yes person when every single cell in my body was screaming NO!
Enough of playing small and hiding in the shadow’s when I deserved to shine brightly,
Enough of caring what others thought of me.
Enough of trying to fit in, when clearly I was born to stand out,
Enough of having absolutely no boundaries,
Enough of absolutely no self-care or self-loving.
And so I literally drew a line in the sand and the universe listened or, as they say, when the student is ready the teacher appears. And so my journey started.
As with any journey once you make that decision there's no going back, only forward, one small step at a time.
I think when you turn 40 a switch in your brain, or maybe mindset, gets flicked on, and you realise that nothing else really matters. It's almost like the last 40 years was just training, like a dress rehearsal to actually living your real life the way you want to live it, not how others expect you too. I know I’m much more powerfully present since turning 40, and life has become more about me and putting myself first, not in a selfish way but in a loving and compassionate way.
You see about 12 months ago, I embarked on a powerfully healing journey to reclaim my power and really start living my life on my terms.
I didn’t have the happiest of childhoods, we grew up poor, on a farm in rural New Zealand. I was sexually molested by my step father for 8 and a bit years, equally my younger brother was repeatedly beaten badly by the same man, I was bullied at school for being too skinny and withdrawn, and my brother made it through school with Dyslexia and a few behaviour issues. Our parents divorced in our teenage years, with one going bankrupt and the other fleeing the country. We were advised by our school principal we should just drop out of school, as we would both never amount to much in the real world.
And so, for most of my adult life, I kept shrinking and hiding, and pretending that I didn’t exist. I drank a lot of alcohol to numb the pain, and allowed my body to be used and abused by anyone that wanted to because at least I was being seen, or that’s what I kept telling myself, and every day I would wake up, and repeatedly tell myself 'it's ok you’ve just got to make it through today' - it was a nightmare of an existence.
And then one day, literally 12 months ago, I stepped out of the shower, still naked, wiped the steam and condensation from the mirror and I looked at the sad, lonely, angry, lost and confused little girl starring back at me longing to be loved, held and nurtured, wanting to experience happiness and joy, actually every single feeling, even sadness, even anger, all those emotions and feelings she had numbed and suppressed for so long.
And so I decided I would do whatever it took: to heal that little girl looking back at me, to feel, to believe in herself and to be empowered, and I did.
I took responsibility and I got really clear on how I wanted my life to be, how I wanted to be showing up in the world, how I wanted to be feeling, how I would accept and not accept being treated by others, and how I wanted to be powerfully present in every single moment.
I flew to Singapore twice, a week each time, for intense in-your-face, no holes barred, personal development with the best mentors and teachers available. I was made to take a really good look at myself, and the roles I was playing in my own story of my life. I arrived in Singapore drowning in my own victim story and emerged from Singapore as a Powerful, Loving, Passionate Women which I now embrace in every part of my life to this day.
I then travelled onto Queensland, Australia for the inner unleashing of my goddess that was begging to come out. A beautiful and intense. 3-day retreat, going so amazingly deep into the core issues that had lay dormant for so many years, this was 3 days of unleashing the chains that had been binding me to my past. We did an exercise focusing on our womb and breathing into it, honestly my womb was black and mouldy, that’s how broken I was. After the retreat I did the same meditation and my womb was a glowing ball of pure light, radiating warmth. This was so powerful that I would recommend any women do this retreat, it's totally life changing.
I also undertook acupuncture, energy healing, sound healing, crystal and chakra healings, and connected with an incredible nutritionist who taught me the power of education around the foods I was putting in my body and the effects they have on me.
This is just a small part of my journey and how I reclaimed my power and my life at 40.
I think it really all comes down to ONE decision.
YOU have to be prepared to make that decision, to draw a line in the sand and to follow through with it no matter how difficult it gets. Because at the end of the day, this is your life, its up to you how you decide to carry on living it: empowered or disempowered. This is no dress rehearsal, this is real life and it all comes down to making that one life changing decision.
Step forward, make that decision, and reclaim your power today, you totally deserve it.